‘He’s a real playboy!'

 How often would you expect to hear Mrs Hoyes describing Mr Hawkins in such a way? Under normal circumstances, probably never...but on Tuesday 15th December 2009, nobody batted an eyelid. Teachers and (to a certain extent) pupils, were allowed to say/shriek/scream/sing whatever they liked.

Alton Convent students savoured the opportunity to hear Mr Hoyes moan about his mother-in-law (Mrs Mace’s Granny Riding Hood) and his son’s flirtatious ways...‘that French girl from last night’ was played emphatically by Madame Hoyet.

Miss Glass gave a very professional performance as quite possibly the most irritating Little Red Riding Hood of all time, while Mr Warner’s wacky woodcutter seemed to have been influenced by his recent GCSE exploits into ‘Of Mice and Men’. His character bore a strange resemblance to Lennie, with a hint of mad Russian axeman.

It is certainly no strange occurrence to hear Mr Pluck announce, as he did, “I’ve been reading a book called ‘Chemistry for Key Stage 3”, but his “I’m a wolf. Grrrr!” was definitely a new one. He also seemed to enjoy being serenaded by this year’s staff girlband, who performed ‘Bad Boys’ with astonishing adeptness.

The show was full of the usual side-splitting jokes, such as Mrs Mace’s “I’ve only got one friend, Arthur...Arthur-ritis.” Painful? Well, the prep-school found it amusing, and also delighted in the opportunity to watch ‘The Sunshine Boys’ (a.k.a. Mr Hoffman and Mr Walker) swinging their golf clubs perilously around the stage and looking remarkably like Dick Van Dyke in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The dancing lumberjacks of ACS also made a comical appearance with their cardboard axes, erratic timing and semi-learned words, along with leopards, tigers, lions, zebras, and the operatic prowess of Mrs Ongley. Speaking of which, Mrs Douglas and daughter carried the show with wonderful music, including a violin solo during Granny Riding Hood’s sob story, and Katie Earl gave an upbeat performance on the drums.

A giggling Bruce Forsyth, Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole and a ghostbusting, cartwheeling Jedward impressed the enthusiastic audience, as did Miss L Challiss when she took to the stage as what can only be described as a ‘gangsta’, rapping and break-dancing, but letting her art-teacher side show through with her graffiti art.

Mrs Kerr and Mrs Dell’s school uniform display brought much happiness to the Senior school girls, as we hoped they might begin to appreciate how we feel on a daily basis...however the PE staff’s return to their rebellious schoolgirl roots with shorter-than-short skirts and ever-present lip gloss let us know that they do understand. We were led to believe that there may really be hope for the future when they placed the words ‘boy chasing’ in the same sentence as ‘Convent sports’.

As 12:30 loomed ever closer, we were humoured by the prep teachers’ advice on coping with life’s difficulties, and all returned the calls of ‘We wish you a Merry Christmas’ to our wonderful cast of staff.

Of course, all good things must come to an end, and unfortunately this was true of our panto, but Santa... well, Mr Business Studies in a funny costume... came to wish us all goodbye!

Mrs Kirkham made a formidable appearance as the owner of the Dun Deputy Headin’ retirement home, and although the audience tried desperately to persuade Mr Pluck’s little old lady not to go there - alas! - we had to return to reality and bid him and Mrs Wilding a sad but uproarious farewell with a standing ovation. She was presented with flowers, and he with a gigantic Periodic Table of the Elements...and we could see the obvious joy on his face as he received a big bag of books on gardening... in true Convent Christmas style.